Emotional Recovery

The Deal On Your DM’s

2005-04-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

They are a series of subconscious mental processes - the individual is unaware that he is employing them, but may become aware of such motives through self-analysis or by having them pointed out to him. Mechanisms include:

• Repression: Exclusion from awareness of memories, emotions that would cause distress/anxiety if allowed to enter consciousness. Ladies and gentlemen, isn't this why we go back each time our attackers bring themselves to their knees and apologize, stating it will never happen again? We go back without thought of what's been transpiring for the last...how many years?

• Denial: The patient behaves as though unaware of something that he might reasonably be expected to know. We were there - it happened to us - but we place ourselves in such a precarious spot that reality is a lie....we know it....but, we're comfortable for the moment...they're not beating on us, so it's okay.

• Regression: The unconscious adoption of patterns of behavior, appropriate to an earlier stage of development. They become, not our husbands, or wives, or significant others any more, but our abusive fathers, mothers, siblings, or friends from early childhood.

• Projection: The unconscious attribution to another person of one's own thoughts, or feelings. After my wife would stop the beating and the yelling, I learned to ask her, (and I did ask her): "So...no that you've told me about you, what about me?" It really upset her, but it was my only defense at that time.

• Reaction: The unconscious adoptions of behavior formation opposite to that which reflect the persons true feelings and intentions. The anger and control issues come from an esteem so deeply injured, that the emotion shown, anger, is a whole lot easier to portray than the scared little boy, or girl they really are.

• Displace: Involves the transferring of emotion from a meant situation or object with which it is properly associated to another that gives less distress. Trust me, they're not going to approach their employer like they treat us. They've got to release somwhere, and unfortunately it's on us.

• Rationalization: sublimation unconscious diversion of unacceptable outlets into acceptable outlets. This is one of the DM's, which will keep us in denial and eventually destroy us It was a heavy-hitter at one time, but now it has become weak and inappropriate...WATCH OUT!

Think of a situation in your life where all participants were behaving badly. What was the outcome? For me, I could feel the barometric pressure in the room crash. Tunnel vision ensued and the void spread to everyone.

Do you know any individuals who seem very defensive? Does their defensiveness affect your relationships with them? Oh...My...God! I had to be nuts to ask this one!

Here are some difficult concepts:

Physical defensiveness: Fight or Flight. Common now, think about it. The basic instinct of our primal ancestors carries on in us today. When we are so frightened we freeze up, our pupils dilate, our blood pressure rises, our pulse increases, and we feel the short hairs all over our bodies standing up.

Freud: A useful model for understanding defensive behavior.

Three levels of consciousness;
a) conscious: all sensations we are aware of at a given moment i.e. right now!

b) Preconscious: just below the surface but can be called up at any moment. This one is cool! You're walking down the street, say, in...oh...Los Angeles. You catch a glimpse of fragrance
coming from, you know not where and you could swear you're smelling the subway in New York.

c) Unconscious human behavior is the result of drives and instincts that we are not aware of therefore can only be expressed indirectly (dreams, fantasies etc.)

Three parts of Self:
a. Id is the biological components of personality e.g. basic sexual and aggressive tendencies. It is totally unrestrained and operates on the pleasure principal. It is impulsive, irrational and narcissistic. Very simply this one is: "I want what I want and I want it now!"

b. Superego is the moral and ethical part of the psyche. This is the local neighborhood cop patrolling the streets to keep you safe. There are two parts. The moral conscience, developed through discipline and punishment by our caregivers, causes guilt feelings and allows us to distinguish right from wrong. The ego ideal comes from caregiver’s approval and allows us to
establish goals and aspirations. It functions on the perfection principle.

c. Ego wishes to satisfy the id within the confines of the superego. It balances all parts of the personality. It operates on the reality principle.

Anxiety:

Realistic: emotional response to a perceived threat or danger

Neurotic: fear that the ego will not be able to control the instincts of the id. A good example would be the news of a tragedy and someone literally breaks out in laughter.

Moral: fear of violating the perfectionist ideal of the superego.

Can you match the defense mechanism with the situations below?

1. _____Mark doesn't deal with his three pack/day cigarette habit, claiming that "I'll probably die from an accident before cancer gets me."

2. _____After some especially frustrating and unfair criticism from her professor, Jan starts an argument with her roommate during lunch.

3. _____Dave has no memory of his seventh grade class play which was marred by his
forgetting his lines and leaving the stage in tears.

4. _____Jack explains his bad grade on the final by noting that he had a long phone call from his parents the night before the exam.

5. _____Sue, who was quite the "party animal" only a few months earlier, writes the university president arguing for the mandatory expulsion of alcohol-using students.

6. _____Carol uses her anger over a disagreement with a friend to set a school record in the 100 meters.

7. _____Bill, who ordinarily keeps his anger under wraps, sees every other drver's breach of automotive etiquette as a personal criticism.

8. _____After an especially traumatic day, in which she failed three different exams, Lisa curls up in a blanket and rocks herself to sleep

Defense Mechanisms

Here are the answers;

#1. Mark is using denial because he refuses to acknowledge the long-term consequences of his heavy smoking.

#2. Jan shows evidence of displacement in that she expressed her anger to a safer target than her professor.

#3. Dave has apparently repressed his memory of the play, probably because it was so humiliating to him.

#4. Jack's apparently rational explanation doesn't really explain why he failed the exam, so this is an example of rationalization.

#5. Sue's new interest in preventing others from doing what she used to do illustrates reaction formation.

#6. Carol has directed her anger into her running, which describes sublimation.

#7. Bill's interest in the bad driving behavior of others illustrates projection.

#8. Lisa's rocking and curling up with a blanket illustrates regression.

Think about these particulates of the human psyche folks. When we observe situations in an objective way, we begin to understand our abusers. This is the last thing they would allow if they knew it was happening. But, they don't know. We may gain some of the power we've given up so freely back without them even realizing it.

My thought for the day for all of us is to: WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! The pen and paper are our friends. Get those thoughts on to paper and read them back to yourself. This will enable you to be objective with your situation and allow yourself to step back and take a good look at yourself.

Abusers are expert at throwing up camouflage...

2005-04-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

"I don’t want it (The Marriage) to end but am afraid this (The abuse) might happen again."

I’m going to attempt to do the very best I can to give you some information. Some of this you probably all ready know, but are in such a flux mentally and emotionally, you have placed yourself on auto pilot. Let’s reference an analogy first: “Hope Against Hope”. This could be like…I have enough gas left in my car to possibly squeak out two miles and the nearest service station is four miles away. It’s never going to happen!

Now, let’s listen to a quote from an email: “Granted he has hit me before, never this seriously.” Apparently, you’ve been in this, “typical to the domestic violence victim” scenario for a while. You were probably so enchanted by his charm you never were able to see the forest through the trees. Abusers are expert at throwing up camouflage.

From your information, what I see you experiencing is the escalation of abuse, which occurs readily within the context of the cycle of violence. It was stated that: “(You are) afraid this might happen again.” My question is: “Hasn’t it always?” There’s something about the “honeymoon” period, which creates in all of us who have been there, a false sense of feeling that it may not happen again. The abuser, man, or woman, is a master of manipulating the victim’s psyche. We yearn to believe that they are going to change. Alas, they don’t, and we are destined to remaining the stomping boards of their rage. There was a person who wrote me not too long ago, that when he was not battering her, she was happy. Did you hear that?! That is the wonderful world of DENIAL. Ignorance is such a blissful place in which to live.

We, the victims of domestic violence, are groomed by our abusers to believe we are not good enough, strong enough, and intelligent enough, to be worthy enough to be with anyone but them. Well, we are! If what ever I have discussed with you in this note rings true, then you should evaluate your condition and seek assistance from self-help groups in your area as soon as possible. Listen to others who have survived similar situations and learn quickly.

Will They Change And The Abuse Stop?

2005-04-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

"I don’t want it (The Marriage) to end but am afraid this (The abuse) might happen again."

I’m going to attempt to do the very best I can to give you some information. Some of this you probably all ready know, but are in such a flux mentally and emotionally, you have placed yourself on auto pilot. Let’s reference an analogy first: “Hope Against Hope”. This could be like…I have enough gas left in my car to possibly squeak out two miles and the nearest service station is four miles away. It’s never going to happen!

Now, let’s listen to a quote from an email: “Granted he has hit me before, never this seriously.” Apparently, you’ve been in this, “typical to the domestic violence victim” scenario for a while. You were probably so enchanted by his charm, you never were able to see the forest through the trees. Abusers are expert at throwing up camouflage.

From your information, what I see you experiencing is the escalation of abuse, which occurs readily within the context of the cycle of violence. It was stated that: “(You) are afraid this might happen again.” My question is: “Hasn’t it always?” There’s something about the “honeymoon” period, which creates in all of us who have been there, a false sense of feeling that it may not happen again. The abuser, man, or woman, is a master of manipulating the victim’s psyche. We yearn to believe that they are going to change. Alas, they don’t, and we are destined to remaining the stomping boards of their rage. There was a person who wrote me not too long ago, that when he was not battering her, she was happy. Did you hear that?! That is the wonderful world of DENIAL. Ignorance is such a blissful place in which to live.

We, the victims of domestic violence, are groomed by our abusers to believe we are not good enough, strong enough, and intelligent enough, to be worthy enough to be with anyone but them. Well, we are! If what ever I have discussed with you in this note rings true, then you should evaluate your condition and seek assistance from groups in your area as soon as possible. Listen to others who have survived similar situations and learn quickly.

Physical, Verbal Aggression Linked to Gene?

2005-04-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

I'm going to attempt to make comments on a few statements. I am also going to answer some questions for myself while creating some rhetorical banter, which will allow me to vent a bit on some unfinished business. So...Here we go!

"Aggression is one of the most studied aspects of human personality, and researchers say about 30%-60% of personality traits appear to have some genetic basis." This is a quote off an article that was suggested to me by one of my visitors. I first hestitate to believe any article, which sites a study without naming which study it was and who produced the hypothesis. But for the sake of argument, let's proceed remembering that I am not a PhD. So bear with me please, won't you?

"One gene that turns out to be associated with anger, aggressiveness, and impulsivity is the TPH gene, which helps regulate levels of serotonin." There are findings that at least serotonin uptake inhibitor, fluoxetin, lithium carbonate, beta adrenergic blockers and a typical neuroleptic, clozapine can be effective in violence. So...If the TPH gene sitting on its little ol' allele decides it wants to change its serotonin level, he, or she who is the owner of the grey matter, may find it increasingly difficult to control their emotions, or even realize they're out of sync.

"Irritable, verbally abusive 'neurotic hostility' and more violent, physical forms of 'aggressive hostility." These are two types of aggression pointed out in the article. So, austensibly, If I can control the TPH gene and regulate the amount of neurotransmission of the serotonin, I could "unagress" someone. There is a minor glitch to one part of this. That is, that none of these variations was associated with verbal aggressive traits. That would not have helped me very much in my circumstance. My wife was verbally demeaning and emotionally 'tweeked'. The foundation of her cycle of violence was the verbal attacks. So, I suppose the TPH thing would have been a wash.

It all goes back to the old addage: "Nature, or Nurture?"
If a person is diagnosed with Disociative Personality Disorder and Sociopathic to boot, will the serotonin reuptake level make any difference? I can't answer that. I know that she was and I an my kids suffered through years of abuse and incredible anxiety. Her childhood was abusive and horribly out of wack. Her mom was an abuser and her dad was never a father. He was a gambler and booky. Mom helped run the books. The kids were beaten and pushed aside. None of the five made it through to adulthood with any common sense. The two that still live are addicts and remain on the street in their 50's. Two of their children are dead from gang violence and one is doing a long stretch in prison.

So, Nature, or Nurture. What's your conclusion? We might be getting closer through biopsychosocial investigation, but I feel that we're still a long way from preventing one person from abusing another.

Angerrrrrrr...

2005-04-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

FROM A POST QUOTING AN ON-LINE DICTIONARY:
5 entries found for anger.
an·ger ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nggr)
n.
A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.
v. an·gered, an·ger·ing, an·gers
v. tr.
To make angry; enrage or provoke.
v. intr.
To become angry: She angers too quickly.

If there is any one thing I've taken from my first marriage and placed in my back pocket, it is the remarkable fact that I am not responsible for another persons anger. In fact, I'm not responsible for another person's...ANYTHING!

The dictionary interpretation of the emotion is objectively correct. Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure, or hostility. However, that which she was feeling was not the result of anything I did, thought, or said.

Here's where Miriam Webster goes on her course of misdirected objectivity. "To make angry; enrage or provoke", is not my responsibility. She accomplished that on her own. I was molded for years to believe that everything she perpetrated on my children and me, was my fault. If we continue to believe that their actions are the result of our behaviors, then our entire existence is based on egg-shell-walking. I don't know about you, but living under those conditions creates a life full of anxiety and stress.

Here's the last part of the Webster's pitch: "To become angry: She angers too quickly": her angering too quickly is on her. Any excuse was a reason to emotionally, or physically damage another.

The bottom line is when we as Survivors, or as victims of current abuse, realize that our responsibility is about how we feel and react to those feelings, then we will begin to recover. Angerrrrr is a secondary emotion. Anger is a result of frustration, and/or fear. The questions are: "Am I able to intelligently communicate?", "What am I afraid of?", "How much more am I willing to ingest before I become so crippled that I'm not capable of clawing my way from the pit I've allowed myself to be placed in?"

Information is freeing! Education is enlightening! Ignorance is NOT bliss!

Coming Painfully Out Of Denial

2005-03-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

"I used to be so happy. Actually, when he is not acting up, I am happy. I enjoy happy things and love to give joy to others, even to him, even when he has not apologized for the last attack." This is an incredibly powerful statement. What I need you to do is remember what it was that happened before January 9, 2005, which led you to the place where this man was able to drive a wedge in your very soul. The questions I would ask myself could be: "Was I really a happy person before him, or was my life before our meeting the allusion of happiness?" We, all of us who have survived the "attacks", know that the honeymoon period is something we are conditoned to look forward to. It always happened, so we understand that the attacks are merely incidents, not long-lasting events. We are conditioned to know that they will eventually end, so the calm after the storm is well received.

Conditioned responses is what this abusive cycle is all about. This is how we've been trained. We wreak of PTSD. Our responses are defence mechanisms that have kept us alive for so long. From your post, you've stated a remarkable point. You said that: "Now I am being recorded 24 hours a day." He has realized that you've had enough, so the screws are getting tighter. They will smother us until there is nothing left to suck the air out of.

Your resolve to leave has come at the right time. The respondant to your post is correct. Although it appears that you remain in denial about your "relationship": "Knowing that he does not love me is killing me."; your thinking is becoming more rational. It may still be "Stinkin' Thinkin'" but you're coming out of the pit and seeing some light. He is becoming scared that you are finding the courage to leave, and it seems, from your words...you are!

You can either feeze in your tracks from your fear of what will become of you, or motivate youself out of the ties that bind and survive the abuse. Your post exudes motivation!

WE ARE NOT ALONE

2005-03-26T07:59:00.000-08:00

A POST WRITTEN ANONYMOUSLY
"I am starting to believe that something is wrong with ME because I stay. I love him...can you believe that?"

Of course I can believe that! The reality of your feeling probably lies within the context of the person you met initially. He/She was charming, polite, generous, amicable, empa/sympathetic, affectionate...well...you all get the idea. That's the ploy...the con...the game folks!

You and I are so needy, so full of low self-image, we are capable of seeing only that which they portray to us. So we fell (In Love) and head-over-heels we went through the tulips, the gardens of Birds of Paradise; honey bees dancing from plant to plant, recreating Gods procreative wand of life. We were blind to the real them and they knew they had us. WE fed into their trolling trap of endearment and became hooked...hooked on a fantasy existance, not life's reality.

We wreaked of ignorance and misinformation on what, and how life should be. Some of us, as children were physically and emotionally ripped apart. Some of us were abandend and emotionally discharged, always needing something/someone, but never knowing ourselves enough to understand we were placing out spirits in jeapardy.

My abuser, wife, died 14 years ago and there are times I look back with endearing thoughts of the few "good" times we experienced. So, do I feel you're a bit nuts to feel what you say you feel? Not hardly! Those emotions mix because that's part of the abuse. They're good at what they do and how they do it. My grandchildren, those who are old enough to remember "Granny", remember her as loving and caring. I have a difficult time, at times, not telling them who she really was...but I never have. Their memories are theirs.

Don't beat yourself up for how you feel. Just remember that you are not the ignorant person you used to be. If you need to get help/get out, then get the information you need to make the proper decisions.

Change

2005-03-19T11:35:00.000-08:00

I believe that one of the most empowering things one person may do for another, is to give one another as much information we can and leave the decision-making up to the individual needing to make his, or her choices. You are both flowing with experiential data. Now, with that data in place, learn from one another as I am learning from you.

What I've realized from your brief repartee, is we (those of us within the abusive cycle and those of us who have survived that trauma) have so much in common. We unwillingly flash back to the pain, guilt and shame of the abuse and construct walls that no one may travail. We then either realize we cannot continue to exist in fear of repetition and lower the barriers, or we live in isolation and fear for a long while to come.

I realized the barriers about 6, or 7 years into my recovery from that abuse and made a decision to blow out of the isolation and begin to open up to "friendships"...REALLY! Friendships, not romantic rendevous. I allowed myself to trust with developing boundaries, not barriers. I began to realize that not everyone was like "HER". Sure, some women were, but I was beginning to be able to recognize "flags" and be objective in my reasoning behind those flags.

She died in '91 from cancer. It took me until 2002 to feel self-confident, have developed self-worth, and enough self-respect to realize true companionship and love in another woman. It took years of self-enlightenment, educative counseling, schooling and the camaraderie of others in recovery to come to the place I'm in today. I'm 59, my wife is 46 and we're married since 9.11.04. We've begun a wonderful 2nd half together. I guess, what I'm saying is...there's hope for us all!! Get out of the fear and take your first step, whatever it might be for you, and understand you are responsible for your decisions. Even if you don't care to make a decision...that's your decision.

The Cycle of Violence

2005-03-12T14:23:00.002-08:00

I'm going to disclose a bit of a diagram of the classic DV cycle and then try to incorporate the description into what the classic DV perps are. Incredibly, or not, the perps of DV never would understand that they fall into such a tight-knit group. Each and every one of them, male, or female, think they are so unique and are so narcissistic they could never understand there are other manipulative monsters just like them, out there in the world.

Most of the patients I work with come into session so confused, they don't know what, or how to feel about anything. Their trust in all things seems to have died and their individual characters have been devastated. The reasons for the implosion of esteem and worth is due, in no small part, to the cyclic phenomenon of abuse. It could be described like this:

TENSION BUILDING: The abuser could begin to get angry. If there were any communication, it would perceptively begin to break down. The victim begins to feel the need to keep the situation calm, as though the escalation were their fault. Then we begin the walking on egg time. You begin to feel that anything you dois going to set them off.

THE INCIDENT: This is time for the perp to manifest any type of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual. They've primed you! Anything you do know is called your fault. You made them do it. Does that sound familiar?

MAKING UP, OR WHAT I PREFER TO DIAGRAM AS THE HONEYMOON (A) PERIOD, : They will invariably apologize and make promises that whatever it was that happened, will never happen again. Here's a better one: IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT I DID THIS TO YOU. IF YOU DIDN'T DO THAT, I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS! BROTHER!! They may even deny that anything even happened, or attempt to minimize the damage.

This is the Whew! Period...CALM TIME, OR HONEYMOON(B): The Abuser may act as though the abuse never happened. Some of their promises may come to fruition. The victim may be placed under a false feeling of security and hope that the abuse will never happen again.

We can all attest to this part: There will come a time when the "making up" and "calm" stages disappear and all that remains is the abuse.

I wonder what would happen if we were able to place a couple of dozen abusers in the same home for...Oh...A week. Actually, they would be so into themselves, they probably would never have the capacity to understand that they were so alike.

Afraid to leave...Terrified not to...

2005-03-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

Brad, I'M a 27yr old female who's being abused by her husband...I don't know what to do!!!I feel like if I leave him I will be lost, but if I stay with him he will kill me eventually...I'm so scared.

You posted without a return address, so I'll attempt to give you some direction and possibly some answers in this article. The statement of fact holds true! Domestic violence is progressive in nature. The more we give, the more they take until the taking grows so pronounced that all that is remaining is our lives. So, your fears are quite rational given the cycle of violence discussed in earlier articles. I believe that the most common area we, when we are acting as victims share, is incredibly low self-worth. These feelings of not being "worthy", or "good enough" to meet what we perceive as their high standards, comes from our childhoods and how we acted and reacted to external stimuli, mostly negative, from our families and also in environments such as school. When we are told for so long, by people we look up to, that we are "stupid", "dumb", and other demeaning expletives, we begin to believe that which we are being told. Our self-description falls short of negative and we sometimes grow up, giving up.

Your perceptive fear in your statement: "I will be lost", is a valid fear. It is also an interesting analogy. If you were able to respond, I would ask questions like: "What does being lost feel like?" "Does it have a fragrance?" "What is your visual sense of lost?" Our descriptions of feelings, most of the time, fits into our senses. We can describe our fears with sensual vernacular.

My suggestion is that your immediate concern is how to escape and survive. A plan, no matter how minimal you may feel it is, it is still a plan. If you have to leave and leave all your possessions behind, then do it! Stuff, is just that...STUFF! Whatever you possess materially is merely materialistic. Your life is intangible and irreplaceable.

Is Separation about "Grief and Loss" as well?

2005-03-01T13:29:00.000-08:00

How does Grief and Loss fit in?

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote On Death and Dying. Within that context, she described her "Stage Theory" which delineates five stages a person may go through before actual death, or in our circumstances, separation, occurs. The theory goes by the acronym, DABDA, which stands for: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. One may also use this sequence to describe the process gone through with grief and loss.

Now here's the idea: Don't we progress, or not, through the grief and loss medium when we are in abusive relationships? Think about it? We had a relationship with someone we thought we were in love with. We gave everything we had to the person we trusted the most. Then, through a process that is all too familiar to all of us...after the fact...we began to loose something we never really had in the first place. I'm not speaking about our ID, or esteem, or even self-worth. We'll get to that in a moment. What I am thinking of right now is the relationship we dreamt we were involved in.

The denial and isolation occurs when we find ourselves in one acute situation after another, bouncing back and forth through the cycle of violence, never knowing from one moment to the next what to feel, or what to say. We know what is happening intellectually, but emotionally we are in such denial about the abuse we begin to believe that it’s the norm rather than the exception. We may come out of denial for a moment, but slip back into it over and over again.

Anger manifests itself in different way as well. It might be anger at God. We may think: “Why me?” We may feel envious of others who seem to be in better circumstances. Why are others enjoying life and I’m not being allowed to? We might feel anger towards our families for trying to assist us in getting out of our denial. We may think it’s none of anyone’s business and that we can handle the situation ourselves.

Bargaining may occur with thinking that if God isn’t able to handle the situation, may be if we were being “good”…may be that would work. Then there are the constant attempts to postpone the separation; rationalizing and justifying reasons why we cannot leave. They’re all rational reasons, aren’t they? I have no money. What will happen to the children? He/she will kill me if I even suggest leaving. We have allowed ourselves to be used, abused and confused.

Depression is also part of the schematic. There’s reactive depression where we are mourning past losses like our esteem and self-worth, including our God given right to have the freedom to think and choose. Then, of course there is preparatory depression. This includes losses yet to come, like the loss of our family units. There’s denial once again. Did we actually have family unity to start with?

Acceptance is the final stage of the process. This is when we finally come to the realization that if we don’t do something soon; we are going to wind up terribly hurt, or even dead. Ending up miserable for the remainder of our lives may be even worse than dying.

You may agree, or chose to disagree with this theory. The reality is that you have a choice to do something. You may not go through all the stages, or may be not even in the construct I’ve proposed, but you will feel some of these. The bottom line is that we must get out of denial and into the reality of life and wreak from existentialism. Make your choices based on solid and sound information. Do not stay in ignorance! Get informed and be responsible for the choices you make. We all deserve to live in freedom, don’t we?

Bringing your husband to repentance...

2005-02-27T10:41:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of confidentiality, I will not allow anyone's name to be brought to the context of anything I write. That said...Someone emailed me with a solution suggested by her pastor. It was a wise counsel within the context of religious pathways. The lead was for her to: "Take all the steps necessary to bring (her) husband to repentance."

My suggestion is to take a good look as to where you are within the cycle of violence and make decisions based on you and your family's safety. If you decide that it is all right to show your mate the error of his/her ways and they chose the repentance path, more power to the both of you. Sometimes communication does work if significant others find a common ground of mediation. Learning to communicate is a process within itself. Without both parties willing to take part in that process, it could lead to further deterioration of the relationship.

My suggestion is for you to see where the relationship may go if you confront your partner with the reality of his, or her behavior. I agree that if a relationship can be saved, it should. On the other hand, if you try to "Beat A Dead Horse", you may be the horse.

My manner of writing...

2005-02-27T10:07:00.000-08:00

In brief, I write, for the most part in a way that I hope would be accessible to all. If I feel, along the way, that a word, or two, may be over-the-top, I'll supply a link to your local on-line dictionary. I'm not attempting to go over the heads of anyone. All I'm doing is trying to help those in crisis. I am neither below, or above anyone. I am your equal as you are mine.

I applaud those who dysect my thoughts and ask questions. I revel in the moment when I am challenged by anothers spiritual, or religious beliefs. I love learning and exploring that which I have not been taught, or have been taught, but still do not understand.

Keep asking questions and continue to allow all of us to learn.

A BIT OF MY HISTORY...

2005-02-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

My past, if I were to take the time for an in-depth bio, would be voluminous. As a child, I was undiagnosed with ADD. Back in the 40's and 50's we were labeled: "Active", "Disruptive". There were no diagnoses for ADD, or ADHD. I was, and am intelligent, but easily distracted. My head is on a constant run, if you will. When I returned to school at 47 y/o, I was tested and diagnosed with adult ADD.

I was in active addiction for 30 years and will have 11 years clean and sober on March 1st.

I and my 3 daughters are survivors of domestic violence and spousal abuse. The perpetrator of that abuse was my wife of 25 years, who died from cancer in 1991. Those who visit this site are, at least, rudimentally aware of the infrastructure of abusive relationships. You know, that at that time, her death was the only way I felt I and my children could have escaped that situation.

I returned to school at the age of 47 (new in recovery) and was determined to capture my life which I thought I cheated myself out of. I earned certificated in drug and alcohol studies and human services. I felt that I could do much more and possibly help more like me if I stayed in school. I was taught how to concentrate and not be distracted. I was shown proper hand-eye coordination to assist with the numeric dyslexia I was diagnosed with. I went on to earn my A.S. Degree in Human Services and Graduated with honors. I transfered to The California State University system and proceeded to earn my Bachelor's Degree in Human Services with Cum Laude Honors. I've recently earned my Master's in Counseling and am going to begin studying for my PhD on line. I recently tested for my state license and passed.

I am expert in Family issues and drug and alcohol treatment. I have the education and the practical experience to assist those who need assistance.

I am a survivor of a paralysing back breaking injury in 1982. I was 6 years on my back. I'm no longer there, thank you. I am remaining in survival mode from heart surgeries and kidney malfunctions. I refuse to lie down and give up!

One of my montras is: "It's never too late."

Syndrome, or Just Symantics

2005-02-19T17:31:00.000-08:00

The Antelope Valley Domestic Violence Counsel in Lancaster, California described this true story: Pat and Chris have been married for three years. Both are around forty years old. Pat is filled with pain, anger and shame. “The hitting only happened when Chris was drinking. Then there was no stopping. Even if I was holding our two year old child I would get hit. My possessions were trashed. Things were thrown at me. Every wall has a hole in it where Chris has thrown something at me and missed.” Pat’s nose has been broken by a skate-board; cheek is lacerated, and has a deep cut above sad blue eyes.

When we think about spouse abuse, it usually boils down to one simple dynamic: men hit women, period. Domestic violence does not always fit into such a neat package. Pat, who spoke about being victimized, is a man. Chris, his forty year old wife is a husband batterer. Pat, whose nose was broken by a skate board, was held by police for four days because he pushed his wife in self-defense. He was released when she dropped the charges.

According to Armon A. Brott in an editorial to The Washington Post, “women are victims to more than six million cases of familial abuse each year in America.

David Gremillion, an MD, and professor at the University of North Carolina at Raleigh says, “In many ways both partners are violent”. “Women strike the first blow with the same frequency as men at every level of severity”. According to a 1985 survey, “even according to women, men are the ones likely to be assaulted by their partners”. There are several major studies that show women initiate one quarter of all domestic assaults, men initiate another quarter, and the rest of the time the violence is mutual. When it comes to domestic violence, society seems to have one set of rules for men and another for women”. Putting the semantics of battering aside, and bringing to front the problem of spouse abuse in general, we come to understand that familial violence is neither just a female nor just a male issue; it is a human issue.

Is verbal abuse really abuse?

2005-02-19T16:54:00.000-08:00

What we probably need is a more broad sensitivity to what constitutes battery (abuse). One working definition may be, anytime anyone is hit by a significant other in such a way as to cause damage to their body, or sense of self-worth, that is battering. Does "Hitting" have to be pidgeon-holed to merely physical contact? Of course not.. When our sef-portait diminishes in capasity from a viable human being to a person who feels essentially "Less Than" others because of external stimuli, then abuse has occurred.

Physical violence is only part of the focus of the whole of domestic abuse. Vituperation also occurs at a more covert and insidious level. Maliciously destructive behavior is not necessarily limited to physical abuse. Words may damage the human spirit. Self image may be destroyed. The ego may be fractured. Self-esteem may be broken. When a person is told for years by someone they are in love with that the are no good, they eventually begin to believe what they hear. The scars of emotional abuse may be much more difficult to cover, or even overcome than the more obvious physical scars. Realistically, verbal abuse may not be easily proven. I don't think that is the point to be made. The actuality of abuse is that it is progressive. What may be an indiscriminant well-placed demeaning phrase today, placed by the right individual, may be the precourser to a progressive wedding of clandestine well thought out events, which will inveriably lead to further abuse.

--------------------------------
Brad Benjaminson

Domestic Violence: Not gender specific

2005-02-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

Domestic violence has recently come out of the closet as not only an issue of women surviving physical and emotional abuse, but some men coming to the understanding that they too have unwittingly become victims within that same cycle of violence. What we have come to understand through the documentation of power related crimes is that gender has no borders within the genre of domestic violence. The descriptive nature of the progression of the violence cycle is curiously similar between women and men.

The victims in either scenario unwittingly surrender power and control to the person the think they are in love with. The curious part of this is that those involved in this web of deterioration think that the person, who is the perpetrator, is the best that they deserve. They have been told, or have had the perception for so long that they are not worth the space they exist in, that they believe they deserve no more than what they are getting.

State laws are changing today to allow males to be included within the spectrum of domestic violence victims. Anyone who has been fortunate to come out the other side of domestic violence will allude to the fact that they thought they were to be eternally stuck in the degrading, debilitating situation they were in with their significant other.

The motivation to come out alive has to develop from within. They must begin to understand that no one…no one has to endure the dehumanizing interactions they have endured. Empowerment comes from awareness and awareness happens when we become teachable. The willingness to be taught may be the last of the feelings of hopelessness. When nothing else has helped, then escape through transcendence first, and then actual physical separation from the virulent situation has to transpire. In the case of domestic violence victims, ignorance is not bliss. Education and the awareness that others have also survived, is paramount to survival.

If you want to not only survive the insanity of the cycle of violence, but also come out to a higher plane of homeostasis, then your self-image must change. Become willing to become teachable. Learn to understand that you deserve better than this. Your life will change when you make the informed decision to change it.