Abusers are expert at throwing up camouflage...
I’m going to attempt to do the very best I can to give you some information. Some of this you probably all ready know, but are in such a flux mentally and emotionally, you have placed yourself on auto pilot. Let’s reference an analogy first: “Hope Against Hope”. This could be like…I have enough gas left in my car to possibly squeak out two miles and the nearest service station is four miles away. It’s never going to happen!
Now, let’s listen to a quote from an email: “Granted he has hit me before, never this seriously.” Apparently, you’ve been in this, “typical to the domestic violence victim” scenario for a while. You were probably so enchanted by his charm you never were able to see the forest through the trees. Abusers are expert at throwing up camouflage.
From your information, what I see you experiencing is the escalation of abuse, which occurs readily within the context of the cycle of violence. It was stated that: “(You are) afraid this might happen again.” My question is: “Hasn’t it always?” There’s something about the “honeymoon” period, which creates in all of us who have been there, a false sense of feeling that it may not happen again. The abuser, man, or woman, is a master of manipulating the victim’s psyche. We yearn to believe that they are going to change. Alas, they don’t, and we are destined to remaining the stomping boards of their rage. There was a person who wrote me not too long ago, that when he was not battering her, she was happy. Did you hear that?! That is the wonderful world of DENIAL. Ignorance is such a blissful place in which to live.
We, the victims of domestic violence, are groomed by our abusers to believe we are not good enough, strong enough, and intelligent enough, to be worthy enough to be with anyone but them. Well, we are! If what ever I have discussed with you in this note rings true, then you should evaluate your condition and seek assistance from self-help groups in your area as soon as possible. Listen to others who have survived similar situations and learn quickly.