WE ARE NOT ALONE
"I am starting to believe that something is wrong with ME because I stay. I love him...can you believe that?"
Of course I can believe that! The reality of your feeling probably lies within the context of the person you met initially. He/She was charming, polite, generous, amicable, empa/sympathetic, affectionate...well...you all get the idea. That's the ploy...the con...the game folks!
You and I are so needy, so full of low self-image, we are capable of seeing only that which they portray to us. So we fell (In Love) and head-over-heels we went through the tulips, the gardens of Birds of Paradise; honey bees dancing from plant to plant, recreating Gods procreative wand of life. We were blind to the real them and they knew they had us. WE fed into their trolling trap of endearment and became hooked...hooked on a fantasy existance, not life's reality.
We wreaked of ignorance and misinformation on what, and how life should be. Some of us, as children were physically and emotionally ripped apart. Some of us were abandend and emotionally discharged, always needing something/someone, but never knowing ourselves enough to understand we were placing out spirits in jeapardy.
My abuser, wife, died 14 years ago and there are times I look back with endearing thoughts of the few "good" times we experienced. So, do I feel you're a bit nuts to feel what you say you feel? Not hardly! Those emotions mix because that's part of the abuse. They're good at what they do and how they do it. My grandchildren, those who are old enough to remember "Granny", remember her as loving and caring. I have a difficult time, at times, not telling them who she really was...but I never have. Their memories are theirs.
Don't beat yourself up for how you feel. Just remember that you are not the ignorant person you used to be. If you need to get help/get out, then get the information you need to make the proper decisions.