Emotional Recovery

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Coming Painfully Out Of Denial

"I used to be so happy. Actually, when he is not acting up, I am happy. I enjoy happy things and love to give joy to others, even to him, even when he has not apologized for the last attack." This is an incredibly powerful statement. What I need you to do is remember what it was that happened before January 9, 2005, which led you to the place where this man was able to drive a wedge in your very soul. The questions I would ask myself could be: "Was I really a happy person before him, or was my life before our meeting the allusion of happiness?" We, all of us who have survived the "attacks", know that the honeymoon period is something we are conditoned to look forward to. It always happened, so we understand that the attacks are merely incidents, not long-lasting events. We are conditioned to know that they will eventually end, so the calm after the storm is well received.

Conditioned responses is what this abusive cycle is all about. This is how we've been trained. We wreak of PTSD. Our responses are defence mechanisms that have kept us alive for so long. From your post, you've stated a remarkable point. You said that: "Now I am being recorded 24 hours a day." He has realized that you've had enough, so the screws are getting tighter. They will smother us until there is nothing left to suck the air out of.

Your resolve to leave has come at the right time. The respondant to your post is correct. Although it appears that you remain in denial about your "relationship": "Knowing that he does not love me is killing me."; your thinking is becoming more rational. It may still be "Stinkin' Thinkin'" but you're coming out of the pit and seeing some light. He is becoming scared that you are finding the courage to leave, and it seems, from your words...you are!

You can either feeze in your tracks from your fear of what will become of you, or motivate youself out of the ties that bind and survive the abuse. Your post exudes motivation!


  • At 8:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I recently left my abusive husband and there have been attempts to reconcile but I'm not ready to move back under the same roof. When I told him that, he said that he wasn't going to play my "dating" or other "games". Two days later he's calling and when I repeat the same thing, he says I never said that to him. Actually, he said we'd either move back in together or he would find another person. I am committed to him but I know it would be only a matter of time before he would do the same things. Why do I react with such anger when he denies or blames me for his behavior?


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  • At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I left my boyfriend because he was a control freak and a heavy very heavy MJ smoking up and I swear he was two different or maybe 3 different persons at the same time. I lost myself in it for awhile to make him happy and to be happy with him. BUT he was always reactionary on the defensive screaming threatening made me feel low, bad and loose my selfesteem - although he says he was always kind to me.
    His cheating made him worse because he did not talk about it but attacked me - like I was cheating - I never said anything but was waiting till I could no longer take it - and I left. Everyday when I was with him - he was with her before me - so he stank of her and the sofa stank of her.... and I sat on it but only a bit - the seat was warm her butt is bigger than mine (see I am getting better I can joke).
    I left and the very next morning saw them together at last. He never told me he was seeing someone else always made me feel like am crazy for sensing this.
    COURAGE leave - go .... get back to yourself - relearn whom you are but now you are more grown up and have been earthed.
    I love GOD - gosh without him - I would have suicided myself when he told me (of course he denies it) so much stuff.
    Our first breakup when I returned from the hospital from a heavy duty operation - he left me - because he was denying having a relationship with someone whom he was having a relationship and could not handle me being scared and ill. I was alone with my cats...but my family and friends helped...gosh... could not move much - BUT I SURVIVED BECAUSE I BELIEVED IN GOD and pray always to thank him and to ask him to teach me a better way.
    LOVE YOURSELF - LEAVE THE ABUSER - it will be alright - you will be alright - you will be happier and you will probably fall in love with yourself again.KTKB
    Thanks for helping me by letting me write.

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  • At 5:42 AM, Blogger Tammy Thompson said…

    Good Morning Cindy,

    If you allow yourself the opportunity to have some time alone, you will begin to gain clarity. I'm a survivor of many things and one being an abusive husband. The control we allow them to have is so powerful, it makes us feel loved, cared for and protected in a very sick way.
    The thing about self discovery is this. Its tough beginning the journey, its tough looking at our own self and doing the work. Its tough breaking cycles and patterns.. its tough.
    However, if you are willing to do it, you will know a life unlike any other you could imagine.
    I am the happiest I've ever been in my life learning to love me, take care of me and give back to others who are going through it.
    I hope you'll seek the help you need and learn about you.. let him go!

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