Emotional Recovery

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Syndrome, or Just Symantics

The Antelope Valley Domestic Violence Counsel in Lancaster, California described this true story: Pat and Chris have been married for three years. Both are around forty years old. Pat is filled with pain, anger and shame. “The hitting only happened when Chris was drinking. Then there was no stopping. Even if I was holding our two year old child I would get hit. My possessions were trashed. Things were thrown at me. Every wall has a hole in it where Chris has thrown something at me and missed.” Pat’s nose has been broken by a skate-board; cheek is lacerated, and has a deep cut above sad blue eyes.

When we think about spouse abuse, it usually boils down to one simple dynamic: men hit women, period. Domestic violence does not always fit into such a neat package. Pat, who spoke about being victimized, is a man. Chris, his forty year old wife is a husband batterer. Pat, whose nose was broken by a skate board, was held by police for four days because he pushed his wife in self-defense. He was released when she dropped the charges.

According to Armon A. Brott in an editorial to The Washington Post, “women are victims to more than six million cases of familial abuse each year in America.

David Gremillion, an MD, and professor at the University of North Carolina at Raleigh says, “In many ways both partners are violent”. “Women strike the first blow with the same frequency as men at every level of severity”. According to a 1985 survey, “even according to women, men are the ones likely to be assaulted by their partners”. There are several major studies that show women initiate one quarter of all domestic assaults, men initiate another quarter, and the rest of the time the violence is mutual. When it comes to domestic violence, society seems to have one set of rules for men and another for women”. Putting the semantics of battering aside, and bringing to front the problem of spouse abuse in general, we come to understand that familial violence is neither just a female nor just a male issue; it is a human issue.


  • At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yep ... men can get abused too. People suck. Male or female matters not. People suck. period.

    Having been abused by both genders I am quite aware of just how much people suck.

    So, do you suck? or are you an alien?

  • At 5:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 4:48 AM, Blogger Maz said…

    What is her goal for falsely accusing you?

    In NY a person has to prove domestic violence to the judge, they can't just say that it happened.

    Can you prove that your wife was abusive to you? Can you bring witness' to court with you?

    I would tape record all conversations over the phone and with a voice activated tape recorder during face to face visits. Many times they want revenge and tell you what their plans are, thinking that you will have no proof of the conversation.

  • At 12:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Any legal or psychological advice? Here is my problem:

    I have a st GF who I think is BDP. However I have battered husband syndrome a friend told me - she abuses me, does terrible things, threatens me, yet I love her and can't press charges or leave her.

    She manipulates events to other people and says "I beat the hell out of her all the time". There is a DV case is her accusing me of stratling her and punching her 5 or 6 times in the face. Actually I was being abused and attacked by her and had to restrain her, that was all. Problem is she still sticks to the lie and seems to even believe it in her mind to the point of playing the victim in court. We went there once and she made a big scene already. She claimed I told her to F off and had the bailiff admonish me in front of the court personel. The judge was not there at the time. Then she gets a continuence but says I am only filing because I beat her to it, she was going to file an RO first, and that I am filing in retailiation for her DV charge. I thought this would be cut and dry and don't have a lawyer and don't feel I should have to pay the $5000 retainer and double est. costs just to get an RO. She may have some slick legal defense next time so I am worried. How did you get out of the legal problem?

    Right now I have filed a TRO but allowed her to violate it several times to discuss possible mediation instead of the TRO which is public and highly detrimental to her child custody case with her former husband. Seeing she wont go for anything but for me to drop the TRO I said the case is on. She is now threatening to press forward with a DV charge she lied to the cops about and get me thrown in jail. I must be codendant or something, I still miss her and can't have the F her attitude I need to call the cops as she keeps violating the TRO. I am also scared the judge will favor her in court but can't afford a lawyer right now even though she will have one. She is great at acting the victim and making others look like villains. I have tried a logical approach to break up but she just refuses and stalks me until I tire and let her in (she is also extremely attractive to me sexually and she uses it frequently as a tool). Anyway the matter has both psychological and legal ramifications of equal weight and is far more serious than I have time to relate in this short message. Any advice or feedback is welcomed.


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